


The Memory

by advanced_fanatic



Series: Bungou Stray Archives [4]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: And everyone else - Freeform, Dazai Osamu Needs a Hug (Bungou Stray Dogs), Gen, Good on him, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Kunikida Doppo Is So Done (Bungou Stray Dogs), M/M, Oops, and encourages it, anymore, at least he isn't stalking his coworkers, because chuuya's been having a Time, chuuya just agrees with his paranoia, congratulations kunikida you've finally grown some basic observation skills, convenient tapes, except you know they aren't actually out to get him, i mean dazai actually gets a hug of sorts in this, i mean so has everyone else, i mean you got that with a whole bunch of paranoia too but oh well, i might write a backstory fic for chuuya after this, or at least after the fic i have already planned for after this, says dear kunikida, so does kunikida
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:20:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25711966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/advanced_fanatic/pseuds/advanced_fanatic
Summary: There is something off about the Archives, and Kunikida doesn't know what. Luckily, a Desolation avatar named Nakahara Chuuya has an idea that just might help him figure out what's wrong.
Relationships: Dazai Osamu & Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu & Tanizaki Junichirou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu/Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Edogawa Ranpo & Kunikida Doppo & Yosano Akiko, Edogawa Ranpo & Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Izumi Kyouka & Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kunikida Doppo & Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kunikida Doppo & Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kunikida Doppo & Yosano Akiko (Bungou Stray Dogs)
Series: Bungou Stray Archives [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1740364
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	The Memory

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** I need someone to tell me im not going insane

**End Stopped:** adkfhjakdslfhkdfa a typo??? who are you and what have you done with kunikida???

**Eye Spy:** junichiro

**End Stopped:** lmao as if dazai would let that happen

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** What about Dazai? Is everything alright?

**End Stopped:** a;dfljkalkdsjfa dazai is...dazai

**End Stopped:** trouble in paradise?

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** No

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Yes?

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** I don’t know

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** I don’t think Dazai has anything to do with it though

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** I just

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** I think whoever attacked Shachou isstill in the archives

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** And i think im next

**Eye Spy:** oh my god

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** And i dont know who it is??? Like Nakajima and Izumi arent talking to Dazai why is that, I know that their guardian was a SERIAL KILLER, what if Nakajima takes after him, and Izumi is a Slaughter avatar you know

**End Stopped:** oh my god

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** And Tachihara STABBED YOU Yosano waht if he stabbed Shachou too??? We dont’ know ANYTHING about him

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Except that he takes bus 329 route 13 and boards it at 7:39 in the morning and 5:16 at night, on average, and spends his time off work either with Akutagawa Gin and Hirotsu Ryuro or Fukuchi Ouchi’s group known as the Hunting Dogs

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** His preferred breakfast is instant oatmeal, maple brown sugar falvour, and he usually eats lunch at the subway down the street

**End Stopped:** ok I love you Doppo but you need to CHILL

**End Stopped:** I promise I will TELL YOU if anything life threatening is about to happen

**Eye Spy:** also stalking is Literally Illegal and even if you cant be fired you CAN ruin your relationships with your assistants which is,,,not the best idea ever

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** But what if hes a murderer???

**End Stopped:** then we sic our good friend the Distortion on him??? its literally that simple Doppo dear

**End Stopped:** but for now just go to therapy and for the love of God stop stalking your assistants

Tanizaki stared at the door in front of it. “He did  _ not _ ,” it said.

“hE DiD sO,” Dazai replied, smirking and scratching something onto the doorframe with one of its long fingers. “YOsaNO tOlD Me sO.”

“And she couldn’t have just texted me?”

“shE Is mAnY ThInGs, BUt oPEn tO TeXtInG YOu bEFOrE KuNiKIDa FIGurES iT oUt, sHe Is NOt.”

“Yeah. And now I have to play the concerned boyfriend, again, no thanks to you.”

“Do nOT WOrrY. hIS pARANoIa meAns He is grOWING, As aN ArCHIvisT. iT WILl aLL Be OvEr, sOOn.”

“And how will you feel about that?” Tanizaki asked Dazai. It watched as its friend’s relentless twisting went all of a sudden, still.

“dazaI woUld Be hAppY To bE reMEmbered.” Its voice was quiet, calmer than usual. Tanizaki remembered Ango telling it that when Dazai’s voice went like this, almost reminiscent of a human’s, it wasn’t doing well. He had recommended that Tanizaki contact him immediately--although contacting a Lonely avatar is hard as  _ fuck _ . 

“And you?” Tanizaki asked, because it had a death wish, apparently, and enjoyed inviting the wrath of Ango and Atsushi onto itself.

“hmmM. pErHaPs.” Dazai looked as if it was about to say more, but then they heard Kunikida’s key at the door, and Dazai popped itself right back into its hallways. 

“Go to  _ Ango _ ,” Tanizaki hissed, because it isn’t  _ suicidal _ , unlike its spiraling friend, and Dazai gave it a thumbs up, scratching the ceiling paint (and won’t  _ that _ be a bitch to hide from Kunikida’s growing Archivist powers until it can paint it over) and vanishing. Then it hopped over its chair to greet Kunikida, because it had long since learned that it was much, much easier to hide things from him when he didn’t get a chance to look around the flat first.

“Yosano texted you  _ what _ ?” Kunikida asked.

“That you’ve been stalking your coworkers,” Dazai said. He frowned at him and fiddled with the hem of his sweater (Dazai wore sweaters now? Of course he did--he always had, hadn’t he?) (For a moment, the image of a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy in bandages and a slightly damp, too-large trench coat, huddled on the steps of the Institute flashed into his head like a knife to his brain, but then it was gone), tugging at loose threads. “That’s not true, is it, Doppo?”

“ _ Someone _ attacked Shachou,” Kunikida said, a feeling like shame curling its way through his fear.

“And what makes you think it’s Tachihara or Atsushi or Kyouka? Just because we don’t hang out a lot--”

“Ever, you spend literally  _ no _ time with your siblings  _ ever _ , Dazai, and honestly it’s a little concerning, I remember the three of you being very close before the Great Twisting.”

“Yeah, well, people change. I don’t hang out with Chuuya much anymore either, you know.”

“Chuuya burned down your flat for no reason, that’s why Atsushi and Kyouka moved out and you started living with me.”

Dazai shrugged. “Tomato, tomahto. People change, things change, that’s just how it is. How much of the ‘self’ really exists, anyway, and how much of it is just how others view you, the way you act for them or yourself or whatever? Humans are just animals, when it comes down to it, and it’s kind of pretentious to view it any other way.”

He and Kunikida blinked at each other for a minute.

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to stalk your coworkers, though,” he added hastily. “Seriously, Doppo, that’s creepy and weird.”

Kunikida sighed. “Yes, I  _ know _ , but I feel like something’s watching me, all the time, and there’s something...not right, about something, and I don’t know  _ what _ , and I mean I  _ would _ suspect the Stranger, but we have the NotThem in Artifact Storage, and the Unknowing isn’t coming up for a while, so they don’t really have any  _ reason _ to be messing around in the Archives.”

“Maybe they like gossip,” said Dazai, sitting on a wooden table that Kunikida could not for the life of him remember where they’d gotten it from. “Maybe they made a frankly terrible life choice in order to get that gossip and now are in too deep to back out and don’t actually mean any harm.”

Kunikida rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right. I’m going to go make some dinner.” He turned and headed into the kitchen.

“Ouch!” Dazai yelped.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just got hit by this damn door!” There was a  _ thunk _ like someone kicking something, and Dazai yelped again. Kunikida turned around. The Distortion’s yellow door was standing next to Dazai, innocently. Dazai was rubbing his leg.

“Do I even  _ want _ to know?” Kunikida asked. 

“Almost certainly not,” Dazai grumbled, but Kunikida did. He wanted to know, he wanted to Know everything, but whatever Dazai had going with the Distortion wasn’t any of his business, and he could respect his boyfriend’s boundaries.

The next time Kunikida tried to follow Tachihara home, Nakahara Chuuya was there waiting for him.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Chuuya asked.

“Shhh! Nothing.” Kunikida glared up at him, stood, brushed dirt and dead leaves off of his pant legs. “Please go away.”

“Nah,” Chuuya said. “You know, there’s easier ways to figure out what the fuck happened to the old Archivist without stalking your Assistants.”

“Oh yeah? Like how?”

He rolled his eyes. “I dunno, like,  _ checking out his flat _ or something?”

“You think there might be clues to what happened to him in his  _ flat _ ?” Kunikida asked, incredulous. Although...that did make sense, actually. He and Yosano and Ranpo had wracked their brains trying to figure out who’d gotten so pissed at Shachou that they’d attacked him and gouged his eyes out, but for whatever reason they hadn’t thought to go through his things to see if there were any clues there.

“I mean, yeah. But also, and you didn’t hear this from me, but Tachihara’s been getting suspicious that someone’s watching him, and you really don’t want him to find out that it’s you.”

“Why? Would he do something?”

“Other than add you back onto his shit list? Who knows. But really, that’s bad enough. You don’t want your Assistants mistrusting you, and this paranoia spiral might cut all of them off.” Chuuya frowned, and set a leaf on fire. “Also, I've been meaning to talk to you for a while and this is the only time I haven’t seen that damn doppelganger and his weird door friend  _ not _ hanging around you.”

“What? Doppelganger? Door? You mean...the Distortion? That’s Yosano’s friend, not mine.”

“Sure hangs around you a lot. But anyway, what’s important is that it isn’t here  _ now _ and that means it doesn’t know we’re hanging out or what we’re talking about.”

“We’re hanging out?” Kunikida asked. “Wait, why is it so important that it doesn’t know? Did the Distortion attack Shachou?”

“Who cares?” said Chuuya.

“I care!” 

“Look, the important thing is you know how to get into Fukuzawa’s flat, right?”

“Um, I guess, yeah--”

If Kunikida was going to say anything else, he was cut off by Chuuya grabbing his arm--thankfully protected by Kunikida’s jacket and shirt and Chuuya’s leather glove--and dragging him off towards the bus stop.

“Great! Let’s go.”

Thirty minutes later, Kunikida was worrying over his schedule as Chuuya burned a frankly terrible drawing of two boys setting fire to a gas station onto the pavement outside of Fukuzawa’s apartment building. 

“Is that you and a friend or something?” he asked.

“Pain in my ass, more like,” Chuuya scoffed, drawing bandages onto the picture. “He look familiar to you at all?”

“Not in the slightest,” Kunikida told him.

“Damn,” Chuuya muttered.

“Why?”

“Nothing. Hey, it wasn’t just a rumor that your old Archivist kept Polaroid and shit of all his Assistants, right? Like, evidence of them existing?”

“Yes, actually, that’s true. But why--”

“He treated you guys  _ right _ . Come on, you’re talking to me so you’ve got your schedule all sorted out, let’s  _ go _ .”

“I--alright, alright,” Kunikida said, standing and walking with Chuuya into the building. “What do you even want with this, anyway?”

“I told you. I want to help you figure out what happened to your old Archivist. You said he was on the fourth floor, right?”

“Right.”

Chuuya jabbed at the button and the elevator started rising.

“But you’re obviously lying about  _ something _ .”

“Why’d you come along, then?”

“Because I want to know what you  _ really _ want, and also you  _ might _ have raised a good point about there being clues as to what attacked Shachou in his flat--I know he took Statements home, on occasion, and maybe he was working on one and someone got angry, like that whole mess with the Buraiha Library a few years back. Also, if you were going to kill me, you could have just burned me alive back at Tachihara’s house. So what  _ are _ you looking for?” Kunikida felt a strange buzz enter his tongue, and when Chuuya nodded and started speaking, something in his voice felt good, felt  _ right _ , rubbing away at his paranoia somewhat, making him fuller.

“I’m looking for someone. He was an Archival Assistant, and he vanished off the face of the earth, and he was a shitty person and a shittier friend, to me at least, although he was great with you guys. Dunno why. I don’t even know why I  _ care _ , except that nobody except me even remembers him, and I know he would have hated that. He was one of the Buraiha people too, but he wasn’t there the night the library burned down. He was at him with--” Chuuya cut himself off and glared at Kunikida. “You compelled me. Don’t do that again.”

“Sorry,” said Kunikida, who wasn’t dumb enough to pretend he didn’t know what compulsion was. “I didn’t realize I was doing it.”

“You’re an Archivist now. You have to be careful with your questions. Do you have the key, or should I kick the door down?”   
“I have the key,” Kunikida assured him. He bent over and unlocked it. “I got all Shachou’s personal effects, that he left on his desk. I’ve been keeping them with me, just in case.”

“God, you’re paranoid,” said Chuuya. He pushed past Kunikida and into Shachou’s apartment, opening cabinets and rifling through drawers, seemingly at random. Kunikida hovered in the doorway for a moment before walking in, closing the door behind him.

If he were Shachou, where would he keep the things he was working on? His desk, but he didn’t see one. An office?

Kunikida wandered through the small apartment, checking in rooms. The first he came to was obviously Shacou’s bedroom, dusty from months of disuse, but the sheets on the bed were pulled up with military precision. There were a few Polaroids and things, pictures of all the Archive workers, all with their eyes cut out. And on the nightstand there was a tape recorder with a single tape inside of it. 

Kunikida quickly walked into the bedroom, sat on the bed, and waved away the cloud of dust that puffed up around him. Then he clicked play on the tape recorder.

“ _ \--for, Shachou. I’ve got a Statement for you, and I figured it was time I gave it. I don’t have much left. _ ” The voice on the tape was unfamiliar, but the one that answered it was, painfully so.

“ _ I know, _ ” Shachou’s voice responded, heavy with grief. “ _ Have you found accommodations for Atsushi and Kyouka yet? I’d be glad to take them in for you _ .”

Atsushi and Kyouka. The names of Dazai’s siblings, Kunikida’s Assistants. But that was impossible, the voice on the tape wasn’t Dazai’s.

“ _ Thanks, but I’ve already got someone lined up. Tanizaki can replace me perfectly, and once it’s time’s up I’ll be able to get it wherever it wants to go because, you know, sentient hallways stuff. I mean, it doesn’t seem to think I’ll back out of the deal once I’m the Distortion, and I don’t really see that I’ll have any reason to. _ ” 

Who was Tanizaki? And was it even possible to  _ become  _ the Distortion? 

“Hey, Chuuya,” he called, pausing the tape. “Is it possible for someone to become the Distortion?”

“Why?” Chuuya called back.

“Uh, just wondering. I found a tape, Shachou’s talking to some guy on it and he mentioned that.”

Chuuya slammed into the bedroom so fast that Kunikida had to wonder if he had been standing outside, just waiting to be let in.

“Play the tape,” he demanded.

“Uh, ok, yeah, sure,” Kunikida muttered. Was Chuuya incapable of acting normal or something? He pressed play.

“ _ Tanizaki is our ally, but it’s still dangerous. You captured it after it replaced Ichiyou Higuchi, after all, and now she wants revenge, and we cannot have the Stranger and the Corruption clashing in our halls _ .”

“That’s your Archivist,” Chuuya murmured, leaning forward, almost vibrating with anticipation. 

Seriously, Kunikida thought, what was with this guy?

“ _ We won’t _ ,” the unknown voice said, and Chuuya gasped, seemingly involuntarily. “ _ The Corruption isn’t exactly known for its observation skills, and even if she notices, Akutagawa definitely won’t and he’ll kill her for going after me—even if it isn’t actually me _ .”

“That  _ fucker _ ,” Chuuya hissed, sounding almost choked up. “I’ll  _ kill _ him--he knew something was gonna replace him? What the  _ fuck _ , Dazai?”

“Dazai? What does Dazai have to do with any of this?” Kunikida asked, although he had his creeping suspicions. Atsushi and Kyouka, a replacement, the Stranger...no. No. Not Dazai. Dazai hadn’t been replaced by  _ anything _ , he would know!

...Wouldn’t he?

Shachou and the unfamiliar voice spoke for a few more seconds before Shachou inhaled and said, “ _ Statement of Dazai Osamu, regarding… _ ”

“ _ Regarding my _ \--” Kunikida turned off the tape.

“The fuck did you do that for?!” Chuuya shouted, literal smoke coming out of his ears.

“He called himself Dazai,” Kunikida said.

“Yeah, no  _ shit _ , that’s because that is! The real Dazai! Not that...that  _ imitation _ you’ve been keeping in your flat! So for the love of God, can you  _ please _ let me listen to the  _ last words we have of my friend _ before he got  _ eaten  _ by the  _ Distortion _ ?!”

“Oh my God,” said Kunikida. “Oh my God, I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Just turn on the fucking tape.”

“The Distortion helped us get Shachou to the hospital, oh my God, why did it do that if it killed Dazai, oh God, oh God, why?”

“I don’t know, it’s a fucking monster, dumbass. Turn on the tape!”

“I think I’m going to vomit,” Kunikida said.

“Gross, the door fucker dumped some of that on me a few months ago. It took ages to get it all out.”

“It mentioned,” Kunikida managed, before hurtling off the bed and into the bathroom and emptying the contents of his stomach into Shachou’s toilet.

Chuuya hadn’t turned back on the tape by the time Kunikida got back, but he was fidgeting and looking like he’d like nothing more than to burn the flat down. Smoke was rising off of all parts of him, and his clothes were looking singed. Kunikida took a deep breath and pressed play on the tape.

Learning about Dazai’s--the  _ real _ Dazai’s--childhood came as kind of a shock to Kunikida. For one thing, he completely glossed over everything about the Library--what it was, what it did, what had happened to it, almost as if he didn’t know and didn’t want to. He had had five siblings before Atsushi and Kyouka, who he had (probably) never mentioned to Kunikida, and he and Chuuya liked to go on arson sprees together. They rescued five children from the People’s Church of the Divine Host, and Dazai thought that they were cultists, but...four boys, one girl. Four boys, one girl, all of whom seemed to care for Oda Sakunosuke. Four boys, one girl, just like the children Andre Gide had stolen.

And Dazai thought that he might live. He said that, sounding almost joking, as if poking the bear’s nest that was the Stranger and the Distortion was... _ fun _ , for him, and maybe for the boy in this recording, the boy who helped found the Buraiha Library and burned down gas stations and cults and evidence of murder, the one who adored Atsushi and Kyouka with every fiber of his being, despite their status as Hunt and Slaughter avatars, maybe it was. But he had been worried enough to give a Statement (“ _ You always said you’d give me a Statement over my dead body _ ,” Fukuzawa had said, and here Dazai was, handing over his Statement, not even resisting the compulsion--) (“ _ the absolute  _ hottest _ guy ever..an Archival Assistant… _ ” was that Kunikida he was describing? Had Dazai...the real Dazai...had they been...but no. Kunikida couldn’t think about that.)

The tape clicked off after the Statement. Kunikida played the last few lines over again: “ _ You won’t remember me, none of you will, _ ” said with such quiet, broken resignation, and Shachou’s response, firm, trustworthy: “ _ I have your voice. I have your Statement. I promise you, Dazai, I will not forget _ .”

“He forgot anyway,” Chuuya said. “Everyone did, except me.”

“Fuck,” Kunikida said. “I...how could I…”

“Fukuzawa mentioned the Stranger. The NotThem is one of its limbs, a monster like the Distortion. It can replace people.”

“Amy Patel,” Kunikida said. “I recorded her Statement a few weeks back, her neighbor Graham was replaced by something and she was the only one who knew any different. All the digital record of him were changed, too, but Atsushi managed to hunt down a Polaroid--a Polaroid!”

He jumped off the bed and started searching the photographs on the walls.

“What about a Polaroid?” asked Chuuya, who was replaying the arson section of the Statement.

“Polaroids and tape are unchanged by the Entities. If Shachou has a Polaroid of the real Dazai here, I could know what he looked like.”

“He looked like a dick,” said Chuuya.

“Yeah, well, that could mean a lot of things,” said Kunikida. All the pictures on the wall were familiar to him, his own face grinning with Shachou and Yosano and Ranpo. He sighed and went back to the nightstand. There was a drawer, and he opened it to see a number of papers: a couple pictures of a boy, unfamiliar, with dark brown hair and bandages, all wrapped in a tan trench coat, and then a few others of that boy with the other Assistants, with Shachou, with a younger Atsushi and Kyouka, kissing Kunikida--

“I found photos of him,” Kunikida said, trying and failing to conceal his blush.

“How do you know?” Chuuya asked, peering over his shoulder.

He held up the kiss photo. Underneath, it read,  _ Kunikida and Dazai’s First Kiss, 6/9/13 _ . 

“Ok, yeah, that’s how you knew. I wonder how the Archivist got these.”

“No clue,” said Kunikida. He looked at the picture of them kissing again, teenagers, gangly and pimply and with no clue of what life would bring them. “Could you tell me about him?”

“Dazai?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, sure. Well, he was a massive pain in my ass…”

“KuNiKiDa iS uSuAlLy hoME By nOw,” Dazai said, draping itself over the couch. 

Tanizaki shrugged, looking critically over the drying paint on the ceiling. “I’m trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth. If this dries and I’m able to air out the flat before he gets back, more’s the better.”

“AnD iF He’S STALKinG TacHIhARa AnD gETs HuRt?” Dazai looked worried, and Tanizaki felt a hot flash of guilt. It still cared so much for Kunikida, even though he was, for all intents and purposes, its ex. It cared so much, and Tanizaki was vividly and violently reminded of the two ways it could have turned out. This was definitely the way the original Dazai Osamu would have preferred, but it put Tanizaki’s friend in so much pain, because Dazai Osamu had loved so deeply and hidden it so very well, and now this Dazai had all that love and nothing to do with it. It couldn’t hide it in all of its hallways and it didn’t even have anyone to hide it from, anyway.

Some people would say that not needing to hide your feelings was a good thing. Tanizaki thought that was a load of bullshit, because hiding your feelings from people meant you were  _ interacting _ with people other than your extremely tight-knit circle of screwed-up friends/family members.

“You could get him to safety in five seconds flat and we both know it,” Tanizaki said firmly. “Just keep a door out and he’ll be fine.”

Dazai nodded, before its face twisted into a mess of worry. “tAniZAKi?”

“Yeah?”

“he’S NoT thErE.”

“Godammit,” Tanizaki said. Keeping track of someone only works if you are actually  _ capable _ of that, and Tanizaki and Dazai are both massive messes who are apparently incapable of doing even that. 

“i wILl tALK To ATsuSHi.” 

Dazai doesn’t bother getting up and walking over to its door--it simply summons a new one on the couch under it and falls through. A few minutes later it pops out, Atsushi in tow. 

Atsushi and Tanizaki have gotten along a lot better ever since Dazai showed up again, and had bonded over their love for their little sisters and impulsive, terrible decision-making. Even so, Atsushi makes a show out of going for Tanizaki’s throat as soon as he’s in the room, as Dazai laughs itself in stitches on the couch. Eventually, they’re all collapsed in different places in the living room: Tanizaki on top of its awful, awful Web table, letting itself be just slightly wrong, hooked on its Webbed crevices, Dazai hanging over the couch like a decorative blanket, Atsushi tucked under its chin, holding one of its knife-hands.

And then of course the moment had to be ruined by Atsushi’s phone ringing. He looked at the caller ID. 

“It’s Kunikida. Should I pick up?”

“yEs,” said Dazai, and apparently Dazai was the only person who Atsushi was really asking, because he immediately answered it.

“Hello?” He frowned. “What kind of emergency? Are you sure?” His frown deepened. “Hey, don’t talk about the Distortion like that, it’s my br--it’s my friend. Well, who doesn’t kill people?”

Tanizaki snickered. Dazai swatted at it.

“I  _ am _ a Hunt avatar. Ok, yeah, yeah, I’ll go the the Archives--but are you sure you can’t tell me what’s going on now?” Atsushi sighed. “Ok, yeah, see you soon.” He hung up. “Kunikida wants everyone at the Archives--like all the Assistants and also Yosano and Ranpo. He said Yosano said she’d get you to bring her and Ranpo.”

“I wILL brINg YoU aNd KYouKA tOo.”   
“Thanks,” Atsushi said. He waved goodbye to Tanizaki and followed Dazai into its hallways.

Kunikida’s blood went cold when he saw the Distortion’s door appear in the Archives. That thing killed Dazai--the  _ real _ Dazai. Chuuya snarled at it, but didn’t light it on fire, which was good, because Yosano and Ranpo were coming out of it.

And, apparently, Atsushi and Kyouka, too.

“Why is Tachihara the only one who didn’t take the Distortion express?” he asked, voice numb with shock and disbelief. 

“It’s our friend,” Kyouka said stubbornly, sticking her small nose in the air in a jokingly haughty fashion.

“Yeah, Kunikida, I don’t know, it’s nice and it’s convenient and--have you been crying?”

Kunikida reached up and touched his eyes, which, yes, were still slightly wet from when he started crying while Chuuya was telling him about the real Dazai. “No,” he said. “How far out is Tachihara?”

“Why don’t you tell us, that, stalker?” Ranpo asked, grinning, as Yosano hugged him tightly.

“You know you can talk to us about whatever is bothering you,” she said. “I promise, we won’t make fun of you too much.”

He hugged her back. “I can’t tell you until everyone is here.”

“He just found out that Dazai has been dead for the past two years,” said Chuuya.

“Pardon me, mcfucking what?” asked Yosano, her head jerking over to Chuuya. “Who the  _ fuck _ told you that?!”

“I figured it out myself, just because I’m not Eye-touched doesn’t make me  _ stupid _ . It’s obvious, once you know what to look for.”

“Right. And, Kunikida, you  _ believed _ him?”

“The evidence is pretty convincing,” he said. “He’s definitely at least been replaced by a NotThem.”

“There’s only one NotThem and it’s a pretty cool guy,” said Atsushi. “I mean, I definitely won’t be hanging out with it on my own anytime, but that’s just because I’m still kinda bitter about something that happened a couple years ago, but pretty soon I’ll be chill with hanging out on it on my own.”

“And that pretty soon sounds like it’s going to be right now as soon as you have a certain conversation with it,” Kyouka added.

“Hang on,” Chuuya said, looking affronted, “how many of you knew that Dazai had been replaced with the NotThem.”

All four of them looked at each other, looking guilty.

“You have got to be  _ kidding _ me,” said Kunikida.

“Wait, but now that you know it’s not really Dazai, do you feel more or less paranoid?” asked Yosano. “Asking for a friend.”

“...Less towards my Assistants, but a  _ lot _ more towards whatever the fuck is living in my apartment,” he said grudgingly. 

“Damn it,” she said.

“Ha! You bitches owe me $20 each!” Ranpo sang.

“In  _ American _ money?” Atsushi asked, looking scandalized.

“I mean, me and Yosano are living there right now, so yeah. Let’s see, $20 from you, $20 from Kyouka, $20 from Yosano, $20 from Dazai, and $20 from Tanizaki comes to…$100, fuck yeah, baby, I’m rich!”

“Do Dazai and Tanizaki even  _ use _ human money?” Kyouka asked.

“No, but they can get it to me,” Ranpo said, and as he did, a door materialized in the middle of the Archives, opened, deposited $40 American dollars, and vanished. 

“What the fuck,” said Kunikida, who had lost track of everything that was going on, and then suddenly he got the feeling that somebody was scrambling his brains with a hot fork. It lasted both an eternity and a second, and when it was over, he remembered Dazai: the real Dazai, the one who was suicidal and annoying and so, so smart; the real Dazai, who wore bandages every day and was a pain in Kunikida’s ass and stole his Ideal and read it to annoy Kunikida but also to help pull him out of his own head; the real Dazai, who went off on a suicide mission just so Kunikida wouldn’t have to, who kissed him and told him for the first and last time that he loved him before running off to his death before Kunikida could say it back. The real Dazai.  _ His _ real Dazai.

“Fucking finally!” Ranpo shouted. “I was getting sick and tired of being like the only person who knew that Dazai’d been replaced and  _ didn’t _ remember what he was actually like.”

So had everyone remembered the real Dazai except Kunikida? Had he been the butt of some sick joke? Why was he the one kept in the dark? What sort of weird conspiracy was this?

Yosano, seeming to read his mind, said, “Doppo, don’t worry. I only remember because I’m an avatar of the End, and there’s no reason for the Stranger to fool me because I know it would be inevitably found out and therefore wouldn’t interfere; Atsushi and Kyouka remember because Atsushi is one of the only things capable of killing the NotThem and so was able to threaten it into returning his and Kyouka’s memories ahead of schedule; Ranpo found the tape of the real Dazai’s voice and confronted Shachou about it, so he didn’t remember Dazai until just now but did know that he had been replaced; Ango only remembered because the Spiral decided to use his memories of both Dazai’s to feed on him; and Chuuya only remembered because he was the NotThem’s chosen victim for this go-around. I promise it wasn’t anything personal.”

“What wasn’t personal? What did I miss?” asked Tachihara, popping into the Archives and sounding weirdly excited. “Oh my God, Boss, have you been  _ crying _ ? What the fuck did I miss?!” 

“I am currently asking myself the same exact question,” Kunikida said, slumping against the wall and massaging his forehead. “I am asking myself the same  _ exact _ question.”

**Author's Note:**

> Next up: a reunion that Dazai has been looking forward to!


End file.
